June’s Story — Being present with June
And so the waiting began. Though we were hopeful, we both understood the reality of our situation and knew that we might not have much time left with our sweet baby. In those days, it was unclear what was harder — sitting in the uncertainty or sitting in the knowing. The only thing that we knew to be true was that the sitting was going to crush us both if we let it.
At this point, Lindsay was fully immersed in a campaign to fight for the reproductive rights of service members, veterans, and their families (including Jess’) called #UniformAccess and was preparing for a roundtable hosted by then House Speaker Nancy Pelosi where they would hand deliver hundreds of signatures collected in a petition to preserve those rights. We decided that instead of sitting in the discomfort of despair and the unknown, we would take a family trip — just Jess, Lindsay, and June — leaving the morning after the roundtable.
On July 20, we headed out from DC for what would be a six day, largely unplanned, road trip up the eastern seaboard. We spent our miles visiting some of our favorite people, all the while, making unforgettable memories with our beautiful child. We knew the reality that awaited us upon our return and decided to lean whole heartedly into being with our little one in case this was the last time we would have with them.
As we traveled the coast, we did our best to spend time with folks who could sit in heavy shit with us and those who could help us find context in the pain that was this journey of becoming a parent. We were scared, we were devastated, and we were fighting to hold onto the hope that baby June would make it to this side of the world. We didn’t want to have to hide our pain from anyone, there was no way we could do that with all that had happened. There were so many moments of joy in this trip, many that were mixed with the pain of knowing, and tears that were formed behind smiling eyes.
The first leg of the trip was quick — a hop across the state line to Baltimore to see one of those friends with a soothing presence. We stopped for breakfast, a chance to stretch our legs, and a chat that would help to ease some of the pains we felt in the unknown. She assured us that no matter what happened, we would love and cherish this child, and that we would be OK. It was a beautiful start to a trip focused on presence.
From Baltimore, we headed north, initially thinking Philly but ultimately heading directly to Honesdale, PA to see one of Jess’ favorite humans in the entire world — her grandmother Mamie (pronounced may-may). Jess has always cherished each moment she gets with Mamie but this one was special, it was the first time that Lindsay and Mamie met after coming out to her in April. Mamie was warm and loving and welcomed Lindsay into her home and her heart. She told Lindsay they were family from this moment on and that she loved Lindsay. Jess’ favorite memory of this trip was when Mamie and Lindsay sat on Mamie’s piano bench singing the Navy song while Mamie played.
When we left Honesdale, we headed further north to Connecticut to visit one of Jess’ college roommates, Juli. Our time was comforting and loving, filled with a cozy catchup in her living room, a meet and greet with her sweet but naughty hound dog Wallace, and amazing food and drinks in New Haven. The next morning we set out to head even further north to Williamstown, MA.
The several hours it took to travel from New Haven to Williamstown were filled with magic. We followed our GPS until we were out of reception and traveling up a dirt road as a fresh rain steamed from the ground, listening to autumn jazz in the coolest temps we’d felt in weeks. We took turns loving on Jess’ belly, reminding baby June how much we loved them with each passing mile. We loved them like we were running out of moments to do so, because we were. In Williamstown, visiting a friend, we enjoyed more quiet moments with June on the water’s edge of the Hoosic River while the sun set behind the trees. Jess, perched on a twisted tree trunk, clutched her belly and held June close.
The next day we began heading back, traveling this time from Williamstown to New York City. Throughout our drive, we had seen signs for pick your own berries everywhere. Some of Jess’ fondest memories of growing up were of joining her grandfather, Poppy (Mamie’s husband of 72 years), picking blueberries. Jess pitched the idea — could we make a pit stop to pick blueberries with June? The answer was of course. We left with baskets of berries, delights from the farm stand, and memories with our sweet baby that we won’t soon forget.
We were warmly welcomed to New York City by Lindsay’s sister, Quinn, who had been one of the first we’d shared our news with when we learned Jess was pregnant with June. It was a special evening filled with amazing food, some tears shed, and a deep gratitude for the tenderness shown by people through this whole experience. Quinn sat that night in the uncertainty and through pasta filled bellies and tear filled eyes, we were grateful for the love of family. On our way out of the city we shared time with another queer family who are dear friends and no stranger to the scary shit that is pregnancy or to the scary shit that was this moment in time that we lived in. They helped us set down some of the heaviest things we were carrying as we would head home to carry even more.
Our next and final stop was Philly where Jess showed Lindsay some of her old stomping grounds. We spent the last night of our trip in a hotel downtown, where Jess and June got to go for an evening swim in the hotel’s outdoor pool before sharing a final, quiet dinner, just the three of us. We left town the next morning to gather our pup along the way and head home.
Coming home was incredibly difficult for both of us. Returning to the silence that was so loud and filled with thoughts of ‘what if’ was overwhelming and we still had eight days to wait for the testing we needed to know June’s fate. Lindsay would return to keeping busy, organizing with others on passing the PACT Act all the way up to the day before their appointment, and Jess tried to savor the memories of their trip by baking a blueberry peach pie with the blueberries that her and June picked together, but the fears of what was to come would impede our every thought until that appointment.